Salt and Pickles

After having my membranes stripped at my Friday (oct 24) monitoring appt, my water broke at 11:15pm just after getting in bed.

Zaia Bee was born saturday October 25th at 4:07PM. she weighs 7 lbs 1 oz. we’re having some breast feeding issues, but she’s getting her colostrum. She’s long and lanky with round smooth sweet cheeks. She’s warm and soft and the best to snuggle. I had two labors. The first was awful, around 7 hours long, and didn’t have any relief between contractions, I shook uncontrollably for 4 hours (very exhausting) and threw up a lot. The tub made things worse, sitting on the toilet made things worse, laying on my side made things worse, dancing made things worse. I gave in on my natural labor dreams and had an epidural

.. then I had a dreamy wonderful labor. I napped a few hours.. they came to check me around 3pm and suddenly I was fully dilated and she was at +1 position. about 20 minutes later she was out. (i was saying 30-40 minutes. my mom swears it was more like 20 of pushing). and the pushing was easy and I was in a great mood through it all. Hans and my mom were my rock star supporters.

ZB is perfect and we will post photos tomorrow and zaiabee.com will become active once i’ve downloaded photos.

The baby can come any time now! really. i’m ready.

but at my appt yesterday, while my cervix was forward and soft and short… no sign of kiddo yet. no dilation.. no plug..no nothin except a few contractions here and there.

and I was so sure she’d be early! Tomorrow is her due date.

I’m too lazy to blog most of the time. In fact lately i’m too lazy to do much of anything except nap. I don’t even cook anymore.

I reached 37 weeks today! my belly is heavy and distended and I can’t sleep very well and there are all kinds of aches and pains, but still… since I stopped puking, pregnancy has been relatively rosy. but I’m still ready for it to come to a close! in another week, at least. I have a wedding to go to next weekend, and a few more things to do to get ready. But after October 13th, i am so ready for this little girl to make an appearance.

We had house cleaners come and do a deep clean and ooh la is it nice to have a sparkley house. it’s still cluttery as we haven’t put everything away yet or some things are ready to go out the door , but it’s clean clean clean. Also I got a massage and for at least 5 hours , my hips didn’t hurt.

today I went to a lactation consultant who is familiar with breast reduction patients and showed her my boobs and she touched them and it wasn’t sexy in the slightest! but I feel very hopeful that I’ll provide a good amount if not all of my baby’s sustenance. I’m going to do my best, that’s for sure. (so i say now, before the annoyance of multiple pumpings and mastitis and other discomforts)

I had an u/s yesterday and the baby weighs around 6 lbs. A l ittle small for 37 weeks, but totally within range.

I really do love the nap lately. I should try to time it better or I wake up at 6:30 pm and then try to go to sleep again 4 hours later and everything is skewed.

Last night our doula came for our last pre-natal appt and she had us practicing pain management techniques. Somewhere around when I was leaning over the yoga ball with Hans pressing on my lower back, i had a moment of “holy crap, this is REAL”

soon I will post a link to the baby’s blog and I probably won’t write here much .. not as though I was writing much here anymore anyway!

I will have to come back later and post about pregnancy and the fact that I only have about 5 weeks left and all the things I have left to do and all the nerves i’m fighting (hmmm.. why is the inside of my cheek all chewed up . i broke that nervous habit years ago!)

I missed my cousin Patrick’s memorial and I was pretty much the only family member to do so. Everyone understood, but I really wish I could have been there. My mother sent me what she wrote for and read at the memorial and I am forever amazed by my mother and the beauty she has inside. It’s very beautiful and made me cry. I want to share, in case anybody else loses somebody and these beautiful words I think can be a bittersweet balm.

From my mom to patrick:

“It’s a wonderful, wonderful opera, except that it hurts,” Joseph Campbell said of life.

Yes, this life, this opera is wonderful. And yes, it does hurt. We are here facing one of our biggest challenges: the loss of Patrick, our cabaletta, our bel canto, our aria; Patrick, our light, our love, our shining moment.

In The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell explored common themes in our search for meaning, our search for self, our search for the hero within; and he exhorts us to follow our bliss.

Patrick’s search was brief but incandescent. He set out on his quest to find and follow his bliss, and he found that the life he ought to be living was the one he was living. Patrick was seeking the experience of being alive, and he felt the rapture of being alive. If “ the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are,” Patrick was privileged; he was who he was—not whom he thought he should be, or as others were, but uniquely and beautifully Patrick. And we are privileged to have been a part of his large and vibrant world.

Patrick. Running down a path in Yosemite, yelping in astonishment and delight, mouth open wide, dazzled by lapis sky- icy snow melt stream- regal grey stone- sharp pine scent.

Patrick, singing the loudest, laughing the longest, hugging the hardest.

Patrick, reflecting solemnly and musing in solitude.

And this life, this opera, hurts, because Patrick’s moment was so brief.

The heroes of the myths knew sorrow. In the epic poem Beowulf,
a king
… begins to keen and weep for his boy; he can be of no help.
The wisdom of age is worthless to him.
Morning after morning, he wakes to remember
That his child is gone; he has no interest
In living on, now that his son
Has entered death’s dominion forever.
He gazes sorrowfully at his son’s dwelling,
The banquet hall bereft of all delight,
The windswept hearthstone; the horsemen are sleeping,
The warriors under ground; what was is no more.
No tunes from the harp, no cheer raised in the yard.
Alone with his longing, he lies down on his bed
And sings a lament; everything seems too large,
The steadings and the fields..

In our biggest challenge, in lamenting the loss of our Patrick, when the world as we knew it has been silenced, and life around us seems too large, how do we find deeper powers within ourselves ?

Campbell wrote, “Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.”

We will mourn; we will weep; we will feel forever the hollow that was filled by our dear Patrick. And we will laugh, and remember how he made us laugh; and we will hold each other and be joyful that we knew him.

Perhaps our sorrow will never be burned out by joy; but we can enjoy our families; our friends; babies yet to be born; we can enjoy our meals together; enjoy sky, mountains, sea, growing things; and we can joyfully love the memories that are Patrick.
We can realize what play is, and follow our bliss.

We can participate in this wonderful, wonderful opera, this opera that hurts; this opera of life. We can, as Patrick did, sing the loudest, laugh the longest, and hug the hardest.

Patrick—good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

——————
My mama gives Patrick a kiss at our wedding:

Patrick sings his heart out at our wedding (instead of kissing at the clinking of glasses, we kissed if people sang a song about love):

my friend Rachel and Patrick ham it up in the photo booth:

dear patrick, 

our family will now  have a giant patrick shaped hole in it. You will be deeply missed.

If this baby girl inside me has half of your zest, wit, vibrancy, childlike wonder and humor.. she will be an incredible kid. I wish we cousins had listened to you and tried harder to all get together more often.

I love you,
your oldest cousin - H.

I have to create a link to this cuteness because it’s pretty much my dream baby outfit. (and the pattern in the fabric has an image that is actually the baby’s middle name)

I remember to check grosgrain fabulous a few times a week, but I always feel “This is beyond cute but somebody else will want it more and deserve it more” but this time the lust was too overpowering. ponchos? with orange? and pom poms? and orange? and did i mention the orange? yea. want want want.

My little girl isn’t born yet, but she’ll be here soon and she’d look damn cute in that outfit.

Ok, so for 7 months I pretty much have had no interest in food. I could take it or leave it, and I was not really gaining any weight.  (after losing weight at first)

Now.. I love food! especially farmers market tomatoes, farmers market organic locally made peach sorbet! or the strawberry nectarine sorbet. I’m cooking and eating and eating and eating. I went to a wedding and I was one of the first to go up for seconds at the buffet. food is righteous. 

Also, this kid in my belly is one hell of a mover and a shaker. She is seriously kicking the crap out of my insides 75% of every day. She often does what i call “AWOOOOOOGA” which is when every bit of her moves at once. all her limbs fly akimbo and she does a little hip shake or something. If my belly had eyeballs and ears, the eyeballs would be shooting out of their sockets..the ears would be steaming and the noise would be “awooooooooooga” . yea. she’s crazy in there. I don’t sleep so hot.

Tonight i made the supper tart from Splendid Table. buttery pastry, cheesey goodness with greens & grapes & onions. yummo. followed by peach sorbet . yay food! oh did i say that already?

i have a little over 8 weeks left. If she goes til her due date. yikes.this weekend we buy a new car. Probably a prius. because we’re oh so berkeley.

also, google docs has been a lifesaver for me. That shit is awesome. I mean… I am keeping my life and money organized for the first time in my life practically. it’s great. I’m a grown up. (I’m about to be a parent!) 

ok, it would seem i’m high on sorbet sugar. I’m going to go take a bath and read The Never Ending Story (i dare you to try to get that song out of your head now) 

The little girl (now confirmed) in my belly would seem to be quite the little swimmer swimming around in her mama’s fishbowl belly. She is constantly doing flips and moving so her head is down at one point and then is to the side and she’s laying sideways 10 minutes later.

 This was all confirmed at an appt today where they were monitoring her closely because 2 days ago they did a scan that found i had low amniotic fluid. All is ok though. I drank a lot of water between then and now (i totally own that i suck at drinking enough water) and things looked fine. The tech said “are you a swimmer? you have quite a little swimmer in there” 

she’s named now. But i think maybe i’m too superstitious to put it here yet.

We have a house guest for the long term. although she’s not actually a house guest right now , as i found her house sitting gigs. But she’s over here most days. This is a good thing because she’s like family for me and really needs a safe place to be. Her life being in upheaval. it’s also interesting because i SERRRRRIOUSLY need my space and I am hoping I don’t get irritable and uncharitable before all is said and done. I’ve strained friendships before where somebody had to stay with me for awhile.

I had placenta previa at my 20 week scan, but by now (28 weeks) it had resolved itself, which is a great relief.

I’m in the third trimester. that’s just crazy to me. still so much to do!

We have friends who have had a lot of bad luck (which sounds so.. mild compared to the truth of it) this year.

Their story here

I can only offer babysitting where I can, and casseroles where I can. and donate a little to help in the financial burdens.

I am so impressed with their brother and how he saved that little girls life.