Salt and Pickles

this site will probably become pretty random in amount of posts. I may post things i don’t want family or others to read. or angst as i fumble through motherhood, etc.

but for more .. see zaiabee.com 

I will have to come back later and post about pregnancy and the fact that I only have about 5 weeks left and all the things I have left to do and all the nerves i’m fighting (hmmm.. why is the inside of my cheek all chewed up . i broke that nervous habit years ago!)

I missed my cousin Patrick’s memorial and I was pretty much the only family member to do so. Everyone understood, but I really wish I could have been there. My mother sent me what she wrote for and read at the memorial and I am forever amazed by my mother and the beauty she has inside. It’s very beautiful and made me cry. I want to share, in case anybody else loses somebody and these beautiful words I think can be a bittersweet balm.

From my mom to patrick:

“It’s a wonderful, wonderful opera, except that it hurts,” Joseph Campbell said of life.

Yes, this life, this opera is wonderful. And yes, it does hurt. We are here facing one of our biggest challenges: the loss of Patrick, our cabaletta, our bel canto, our aria; Patrick, our light, our love, our shining moment.

In The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell explored common themes in our search for meaning, our search for self, our search for the hero within; and he exhorts us to follow our bliss.

Patrick’s search was brief but incandescent. He set out on his quest to find and follow his bliss, and he found that the life he ought to be living was the one he was living. Patrick was seeking the experience of being alive, and he felt the rapture of being alive. If “ the privilege of a lifetime is being who you are,” Patrick was privileged; he was who he was—not whom he thought he should be, or as others were, but uniquely and beautifully Patrick. And we are privileged to have been a part of his large and vibrant world.

Patrick. Running down a path in Yosemite, yelping in astonishment and delight, mouth open wide, dazzled by lapis sky- icy snow melt stream- regal grey stone- sharp pine scent.

Patrick, singing the loudest, laughing the longest, hugging the hardest.

Patrick, reflecting solemnly and musing in solitude.

And this life, this opera, hurts, because Patrick’s moment was so brief.

The heroes of the myths knew sorrow. In the epic poem Beowulf,
a king
… begins to keen and weep for his boy; he can be of no help.
The wisdom of age is worthless to him.
Morning after morning, he wakes to remember
That his child is gone; he has no interest
In living on, now that his son
Has entered death’s dominion forever.
He gazes sorrowfully at his son’s dwelling,
The banquet hall bereft of all delight,
The windswept hearthstone; the horsemen are sleeping,
The warriors under ground; what was is no more.
No tunes from the harp, no cheer raised in the yard.
Alone with his longing, he lies down on his bed
And sings a lament; everything seems too large,
The steadings and the fields..

In our biggest challenge, in lamenting the loss of our Patrick, when the world as we knew it has been silenced, and life around us seems too large, how do we find deeper powers within ourselves ?

Campbell wrote, “Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.”

We will mourn; we will weep; we will feel forever the hollow that was filled by our dear Patrick. And we will laugh, and remember how he made us laugh; and we will hold each other and be joyful that we knew him.

Perhaps our sorrow will never be burned out by joy; but we can enjoy our families; our friends; babies yet to be born; we can enjoy our meals together; enjoy sky, mountains, sea, growing things; and we can joyfully love the memories that are Patrick.
We can realize what play is, and follow our bliss.

We can participate in this wonderful, wonderful opera, this opera that hurts; this opera of life. We can, as Patrick did, sing the loudest, laugh the longest, and hug the hardest.

Patrick—good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

——————
My mama gives Patrick a kiss at our wedding:

Patrick sings his heart out at our wedding (instead of kissing at the clinking of glasses, we kissed if people sang a song about love):

my friend Rachel and Patrick ham it up in the photo booth:

I have to create a link to this cuteness because it’s pretty much my dream baby outfit. (and the pattern in the fabric has an image that is actually the baby’s middle name)

I remember to check grosgrain fabulous a few times a week, but I always feel “This is beyond cute but somebody else will want it more and deserve it more” but this time the lust was too overpowering. ponchos? with orange? and pom poms? and orange? and did i mention the orange? yea. want want want.

My little girl isn’t born yet, but she’ll be here soon and she’d look damn cute in that outfit.

Today we let our pugnacious little godzilla go.

He had been deteriorating for weeks…and in a much more profound way for the past few days.  We’re going to miss him oh so very much. The house will feel empty. 

Godzilla was a pugnacious, goofy, dominating, crazy animal. he ripped the throats out of stuffed animals, he growled when people rang the doorbell, he never took no for an answer if he wanted on your lap, he liked to sniff your ear, he was so clumsy that a baby gate would actually keep him out of parts of the house we didn’t want him.. he had no idea that other cats could actually jump something like that, he had short stubby legs and a round body and pugnacious little face, he liked to walk around the tub while i took a bath.. batting at my toes under the water, back when he was an outdoor cat.. he’d chase cats out of our yard into theirs.. and then right on out of their own yards too but he always came when he was called. and he drooled when he was being pet.. prolifically.

photos from when he was a baby: photos

and here is what i mean by pugnacious - he would crush your city with no thought:

It’s hot as though it’s another part of the country out there. Muggy, overcast and sweaty.

I slept til 10:30 (the norm lately) and had my au lait out of a bowl on a sidewalk in the sun.
I did some chores (i’m having to make lists every day so that i feel even mildly productive as i cross things off)
I went to the farmers market and bought as much stone fruit as i could (pluots, apricots, nectarines and peaches. oh and cherries. oh yum, is all i can say). some fresh fish. some veggies.
I got more sun in my hair and on my skin. I think my natural blonde will be more apparent by the end of this summer. I’d dyed it red for years and when I let it go natural again it was this dishwater dirty light brown. . not really blonde at all anymore. I am seeing streaks already after only 2 weeks with more sun on my noggin.

I’m totally going to go make a smoothie now.

hoowhee!! 

Twin A is measuring 6mm with a heartbeat of 118

Twin B is measuring 8mm with a heartbeat of 124

I’m blissed and terrified, simultaneously.

I almost threw up at the beach today and again on the drive home.

huh. 

I have a pet peeve. I don’t feel entirely fair in this pet peeve, since my grammar has started a definite decline since I started typing away on the internet. I got lazy, that’s for sure. My English teacher mother is surely horrified by some of the emails I write to her.

But still, I go internally ballistic when people make the Loose vs. Lose error. Loose rhymes with goose. Your clothes can be too loose, your shoes too loose, you can be loosey goosey. In old days they might call a woman loose (hmph and never men) if she liked sex . You LOSE your way, you can lose your wallet, you can lose at a game.

so, this comic cracked me up

On the topic of pregnancy: I wish I could ask for another beta. I’m constantly paranoid nothing is happening in there, or things are fading away. One more week. ugh.

It’s funny how i’m constantly waiting for the next bit of bad news. I spent all of today totally nervous and shaking a little (vibrating, really) .. wishing my lab was faster.. wishing that work didn’t get in the way of IVF nurses calling with results, etc. (”what, you guys have jobs other than calling us??”)

anyway.. second beta came back at 3,068. This is good. really good. I’m still in a bit of shock and just waiting for something bad to happen. I need to stop that thinking, maybe.. but it’s a bit ingrained at this point in IF.

but right now I feel mostly happy. I’ll work on my meditative breathing, since that does really help to keep me positive, somehow.

Christopher Columbus, I’m pregnant.  (wow, such a Little Women thing for me to say).

First u/s is set for March 5th

I’ve been super sick. I spent most of thursday night entirely unable to swallow, because it hurt so bad. I’d left work early wednesday and again early on thursday.. and i called out entirely on friday. I spent time looking for some relief on Friday (i’d been trying chloraseptic but at this point it wasn’t doing anything for me. i had nothing but pain pain and more pain). I found a website that swore by the method of gargling with warm salty water with cayenne pepper in it. Seemed a little crazy, but at this point, what the hell…so i tried it, and it was marvelous! i gargled every 15 minutes for an hour and then every hour after that for another 4 hours. And by the end of that my throat was almost entirely better! who knew!  Now the only thing left is some congestion my chest, a small sniffle & my ears are still a little plugged. I feel definitely on the road to normal… and this is good because the house is a crazy mess. H had to work a overtime a lot this week, so he couldn’t pick up my sickly slack and we both decided not to do anything today… so… ugh, it’s gross in my kitchen.  

It is nice to feel much more zen this cycle. Yea, it helped that my pee sticks were ever darkening, but I also just feel more confident this time around and I have no idea where that confidence is coming from.  

Things done while sick: watched one ratatouille and 3 romantic comedies… all thanks to the ‘rental’ option on itunes. read 2 books on kindle. peed on 3 sticks (til last one today. i’m out. o no!) and slept a whole buttload of a lot of sleep. oh, and don’t forget the nose blowing, hacking cough, temperature taking, throat clearing and wheezy snoring.  

life with me is a cacophony of delightful noises