Salt and Pickles

Now that the morning sickness has passed, I find pregnancy relatively uneventful. Occasionally there are twinges or even small sharp pains in my abdomen, that scare me.. but they pass quickly so i dont’ worry. But at all moments of every day, I am whispering inside my head “I am pregnant”.
Infertility lingers with us. For me I’ve found myself avoiding infertility threads on my message board because it’s still too near and dear to me, and I guess I don’t like being reminded yet. I want to embrace this “I’m pregnant” voice.
this makes me feel guilty, as so many women were so very helpful to me during the cycle-after-cycle of confusion, hurt, what’s-wrong-with-me, how-do-i-get-control-of-this-situation emotions. I guess I just don’t feel helpful right now. I hope that that comes back.. the urge to share what I’ve been through or what I’ve learned.

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We went to Carmel to visit my mother for mother’s day. It was a lovely weekend. She’d already bought a good 4 or 5 outfits for the baby (in neutral creamish colors. hah. I’m pretty sure she believes it’s a boy though) and she told a cute story.
My mother is an english teacher at a local high school. She recently covered some short story in which the meaning of life was a topic (I’m sorry I don’t remember what they were reading) and her students were discussing the meaning of life. After a bit of discussion they turned to my mom and said “Mrs. J, do you know what the meaning of life is?”
my mother pulled out her purse and started rummaging through it. She pulled out her wallet and opened it. Inside was only one dollar “well”, She said “I guess it’s not money!”
Then she jangled her car keys. she drives a toyota “I guess it’s not material posessions!”
She pulled out a tube of lipstick and the kids all squawked “we’ve never even seen you WEAR makeup!!”
“Ok, I guess it’s not beauty then”
Then she reached in and (this was unplanned and purely an accident) she pulled out a Onesie she’d bought for the baby
She held it up and said “This.”
“This is the meaning of life”
One of her students raised her hands and said “Mrs. J, do you happen to have a daughter?” “why yes, I do” “She wouldn’t happen to be pregnant would she?”

It was all very cute and sweet in the telling. She bought me earrings and I felt guilty for the cookbooks I’d bought her. (for mother’s day)

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I walk around saying “I’m pregnant” inside my heart of hearts, and feeling like I want to hug those words tight.

and I also often walk around feeling like I’ve become an insensitive fertile and forgot what it’s like to be infertile, even though I definitely haven’t. I feel like unless I know how to address the change just right.. to being pregnant after cycle after cycle of negatives, that I’m letting infertiles down. even though I know that when I was cycling, every story I read of an infertile becoming pregnant was a piece of hope to hold on to.
but i’m afraid that a story like my mother’s above is something I shouldn’t share for fear of causing that pang that I know it can..

Now, all this said… I also want to say that as hard as I did find infertility to be, at the same time I didn’t feel that in the same ways as some others have. I only had slight twinges of envy when friends got pregnant, I never ever minded being around babies or pregnant women. Strange ladies with beautiful bumps would get a wistful smile and a sigh of sadness, but I didn’t linger over it. Maybe some of the weird guilt I feel now comes a little from that. .. I don’t know. I’m not expressing myself very well.

other topics:
I have 2.5 weeks left at work and then I get to relax and nest and travel and prepare and read until the baby is due in late October. (i still feel the need to add caveats.. if all goes well, etc etc) We’re going to Puerto Vallarta two days after my last day, I’m going to my friends family’s lake house in Minnesota in july, my mom is going to rent a house on the river at some point and we’ll swim and bbq..
I’m very much looking forward to this summer.

the hippies are drumming in the space behind us. over the weekend they were dancing and moaning and sometimes sounding like wolves. or alternately sounding like fire engines. It’s awesome and hilarious on a sunny sunday afternoon.

It looks like one of the twins is in process of vanishing. They didn’t see a hb or fetal pole. Just a yolk inside the sac which is much smaller than the other.

The other twin is measuring 8w4d with a heartbeat of 174. (i was worried that was too fast, but the doc swore it was good)  

we’re torn about how we feel. We were a little nervous about twins, but were getting quite attached to the idea at the same time. I guess I am a mixture of happy and sad. I’m sad that we wont’ know both babies, but happy that one is healthy and wiggling around (we saw it wiggling!) and looking healthy.

We were very pragmatic and knew that this might happen. We even had this feeling it would, but I’d stopped feeling that way when I was so sick on sunday that I couldn’t keep a single thing down. I’m on Zofran now and am able to eat again, but that day sucked. I thought “I must be this sick because there are two”

We graduate from the RE and my OB appt is april 9th and our NT scan is the 11th. very weird to not get to go back to my RE. especially since I am still on progesterone til the 11th of april.

My kitty is super needy and lovey lately. I’m not sure what’s up with him, but it’s nice having a kitty neck warmer when i’m on the couch.

Ok, after all my lining worry.. it turned out ok. It’s a nice fluffy 10. I had been worried that my 3 hour baths & swimming at the gym might have not allowed the patches to do their work, but I guess it was fine. With each new worry that falls away, another one appears though.

Now i worry and hope that the embryos thaw correctly (and the first two would be great, so we have still 4 left after)

Then, of course, the coup de grace of worries: Will they stick?

Do you remember the Scholastic Book Club? I loved that thing. I loved the bookstore more, of course. But when I was truly into the book club, I lived in a town that was devoid of a bookstore. (horrors. no bagels either). So I’d spend a whole weekend with the catalog, reading descriptions and figuring out what i wanted. I was usually allowed to get around 10 books.
I’d make my order, and then I’d wait.. and wait… and wait.. but the day those books came was so good. like the best birthday good. christmas morning good. new pads of paper and fresh sharpened pencils good. i have a really good secret good.
Well now I’m waiting for the Kindle I just ordered today. And the anticipation is feeling very Scholastic Book Club.
I was going to wait to buy , but when I told hans i needed to go to the bookstore again because I’d already finished the 1200 pages worth of books I had bought on sunday, he said “we need to get you that Kindle and not a moment too soon” (because they tend to be a little less, at least, than teh actual books. and many are only $3.99 or $4.99. yay)

of course I could go to more used bookstores, but… i’m not always that patient.

besides. gadget lust!

two days til ultrasound. I’m antsy and worried that my lining won’t be up to snuff. please, uterus. have a nice fluffy bloodiness. thanks.

I’ve been cooking every night this week, and then packing my leftovers into my Mr. Bento. I feel very healthy and productive. go me. Go Mr. Bento. tonight we had fusilli with garlicky sausages & wilted greens (chard).. from Alice Waters’ latest cookbook. very yum and simple.

I realize, looking over this journal.. or just listening to my own dialogue. It hasn’t occurred to me that I wont’ have a baby at the end of this. I mean, sure it’s come into my brain as a possibility but it’s not something i believe. I believe we will have a baby at the end of this.

I don’t know if this will make it all the more heartbreaking if we don’t .

We have discussed what we’d do if there were no baby at the end. I think we’ve decided not to adopt. Another long wait full of hope just sounds like more than we could take.

We decided I’d still quit my job.. take some time off, and find a new path. And we’d try to travel once or twice a year. Hans originally suggested that we take a big chunk that maybe would have been a college fund and travel for a year or so, but when i looked skeptical and mentioned how much he loved his job. well..that was amended. (Although I’m guessing he could take a few months off as sabbatical) So.. travel a few times a year, more skiing.. None of these would truly make up for not having a kid, but it would make our lives full. I would also work on creating things. Jewelry, take sewing classes, maybe glass blowing/bead making classes.

but again, the not adopting isn’t in stone. If IVF doesn’t work out, we may be right at the beginning and planning from scratch. I don’t know.

Speaking of IVF. dude. I’ve got two estrogen patches on my belly … and in two days, i’ll have 4. Having this much estrogen roiling around in my body is making me a sourpuss. I’m groucherrific and when Hans touches me or hangs out near me in a way I don’t like, i seriously throw a toddler-like tantrum.

today is acupuncture. or as i like to call it - my weekly nap. I usually take a long time to fall asleep if i’m taking a daytime nap, but in acupuncture I’m asleep within 5 minutes. It’s awesome.

I had the kind of weekend where I was beating myself up a bit. I slept too much, I wasn’t productive.
I want to be somebody who uses all the many things i’ve collected for crafting.. and actually CREATE things. But I run into so many walls and I’m not even sure how to describe them. I guess I become overwhelmed by possibilities and so i just get paralyzed. craft-paralysis.
When there is some goal (like christmas is in two days), i am able to crank things out for an evening. I love the feeling, but it’s the impending doom “this has to get done now or i have no presents for anyone!” that makes me finally get off my ass and do something.
I have LOTS of blogs that I read (mostly crafty mama blogs) because I aspire to be like them in some way. I read them with this faint jealousy sneaking through my stomach. I wonder how they go from vague ideas to actual ideas.. if they just collect supplies all the time for eventual projects or if they have to go buy new stuff everytime a new idea comes up.
Maybe if/when I’m at home and have a lot more time on my hands.. this will force my hand. I’m afraid it won’t though. That that’s just a pipe dream.

I also have thought about blogging but , for the first time (I used to have another blog elsewhere)… I find myself paralyzed in the face of writing too. There’s a lot of shrugging and then reading of the internets going on in my house.

Maybe I should make a resolution, but i’ve never been good at resolutions.

We’re in our second IVF cycle. This time a frozen cycle. I’m back to nightly injections.. and adding an estrogen patch starting on friday. Sometime in the first week of february, two embryos from our last cycle will be transferred and we’ll see what happens.

I’m much less emotionally involved this time, and maybe that’s a good thing. I’m reading the craftymama blogs again, I’m daydreaming a bit and hoping a bit again.. but I’m also just not as obsessed as I was last time.
I took 2 months off (thus the no entries in this blog) from baby thinking. I drank what I wanted, I ate what I wanted, I didn’t go to acupuncture. I just took 2 months off for the first time in 19 months. It was the best feeling in the world. I’d told myself before that I’d relax and not think about it for a month or two, but I was never actually capable of doing so.

I’m trying to re-invest. I’m getting there.

I’m a little depressed lately, but it has a lot less to do with making babies and a lot more to do with feeling like I’m not being who I want to be and not doing what I want to do.

Luckily

So, in the 2 week wait.. I tried to keep busy. I read a lot of books. I did a lot of daydreaming (always dangerous) and I socialized a little. It actually wasn’t so bad and went by much faster than past 2ww’s.
my clinic doesn’t do betas until 14 dpt. . 17 days past ovulation!!

One thing i left out of my last post was that I’d borrowed from Mother Rising and had written “welcome home” on my belly for transfer day. The nurse thought it was the sweetest thing she’d ever seen, and my doctor laughed at me a little. That was ok since I was laughing at myself a little too.

I continued to write new messages every other day through the two week wait. messages like “stick around little monkey” and “stay” and “please stay xoxo” (because x’s and o’s always help)

well, it seemed to work and when i tested on 13dpo (so 5 days before the beta), I got my first ever unequivocal positive pregnancy test. on a digital even!! the most i’d ever seen was a light light positive on a cheapie that was gone by the next morning. the highest beta i’d ever had was a 2.. which combined with my super high progesterone at the time, did lead them to believe I’d had a chem pregnancy.

I continued, this week, to pee on sticks to see the line get darker. Except the line wasn’t getting darker and I was getting increasingly stressy and spazzy. I hate being spazzy and I was officially in spazland.

I moved my beta up to Wednesday and then the lab took too long getting back with results so I still didn’t find anything out til thursday.
My beta came back.. 16dpo and 13dpt at 32.
not good.
not out of the running . but not good.
I took thursday off to deal with the concept that it might not be happening. I wanted to do some grieving and be able to move on.
Todays beta came back 39.

so .. today I’m off the meds and we’ll go back in tuesday for another blood draw to make sure the #’s are coming down and it’s not ectopic. I’ll have one natural cycle and then the cycle after that we’ll do FET. I’m gonna transfer two of those puppies this time.

tonight I bought 5 juicy books (including a few young adult fantasy books, because I never out grew my love for young adults novels). i have a bottle of red wine. some cheddar & crackers. some popcorn & butter. all my guilty foods.
I have a hot hot bath. I am going to stay in that damn water til i’ve read at least one book if not two and not just my toes are pruned but my whole ass is a big prune. that’s right
one big white pruney ass, my friends.

Yesterday when things weren’t looking good initially… Hans came home from work and hugged me. I leaned my forehead into his chest and said in a muffled manner
“my life sucks”

we immediately started laughing .. because really.. my life doesn’t suck.
THIS sucks. but everythign else is still pretty stellar.
I work with great people, i have awesome friends, i have an AMAZING home that i’m madly in love with, we went on some great trips and that guy I married has a great butt.

not bad. I know this.

I will get pregnant.

I really need to work on my updating skills. They’re poorly.
I’ll just do a sum up of the last week and a half

Retrieval

We had our retrieval appt at 9:30 in the morning on Monday the 22nd (so last monday).
When I showed up, they put me in a comfy reclining chair with a big warming pad under me and over me and then a nice flannel blanket on top of that. I was super cozy and wrapped up.. it was easy to forget I was wearing paper slippers, a paper hat and a gown open in the back.
they took me to the room for retrieval (meanwhile Hans went to give them some sperm) and Mitch (my doc) got me all situated. The anesthesiolgist spoke to me for a bit and told me to breathe in on the mask.. and out I went. Nap time.

When I woke up I was in a curtained area and the nurse (who i love) was standing there smiling at me and gently rubbing my arm … I said “you’re so nurturing” in a small voice, and I fell back asleep again. Apparently I’m my nicest when waking up from general anasthesia. They said the same after a surgery I had years ago.. I woke up and smiled at everyone.. asked for a bucket .. threw up.. said thank you and beamed at them and fell back asleep.

Mitch came to tell me that they had retrieved 13 eggs and things looked good. This was exciting news.
I lay there for about another hour , munching on crackers and drinking water. Hans did some studying or just talked to me a little. I recovered fast and they let me head back out. Hans took me home and I napped for the rest of the day.

Fertilization Rate
They called me the next day to say that of the 13 eggs: 5 were immature, 8 were injected with sperm (we are doing ICSI which means they nject the sperm directly into the egg rather than just putting sperm into the dish with the egg and letting them do their own work) and 6 fertilized.

Starting the Progesterone in Oil shots
We started PIO shots on the wednesday after retrieval. I’d been DREADING this for weeks. The needle is long and bigger than the little ones i had been using in my belly which I didn’t feel at ALL.
I was terrified and had been building this experience up for way too long. Partly because I knew I had to do them nightly for at least 2 weeks. If i got pregnant, we had to do them for like 9 weeks. (basically the entire first trimester)

So I prepared the syringe for hans. I went upstairs and lay down naked on the bed.. face down. I clutched a pillow and concentrated on NOT clenching, since a clenched muscle would probably hurt if a needle were in it.
Hans said “So do you want me to count to three or just do it?”
I said “Just do it” (muffled in the pillows)
….
pause…
“don’t be cruel! just do it!”

“um, honey.. I am already injecting the medication”

so, i guess there really wasn’t anything to worry about! hah!
yay for my big ass!

Transfer
My transfer was on Thursday at around 1pm. I had acupuncture just prior and then took my Valium and drank the 32 oz of water I was supposed to drink.
At the transfer they said that all 6 of the embryos were “gorgeous” and in fact were so gorgeous, they were leery of putting in the 2 they had planned on transfering.
after some hmming and hawwing, i agreed to only transfer 1. We’re just not feeling up to twins right now. We’d love it if it happened, but there’s some ambivalence there.
I went back to acupuncture for another hour of napping with needles. (I always sleep through acupuncture)
then I went home for the rest of the day

Now i’m back in that familiar two week wait.
I was excited during the whole IVF process. I loved the whole thing.. the control, the little glass vials and syringes, the feeling like I was DOING something to help this along.
Now that I’m in the same old familiar 2ww that i’ve experienced month after month, it’s hard not to feel down in the dumps and depressed.

I’m still taking estrogen pills and the PIO shots.. the blood test is next thursday (ow the waiting pain!)

I’ve been taking it pretty easy and not socializing much, which may lead to more moping than I’d like. I think i’ll try to do more for the next week and a half to take my mind of this whole thing.

I want to start adding pictures to posts, but I’m not quite there yet.

I’m strangely enjoying trying to concieve again. I know it’s possible that IVF won’t work. And it definitely may not work this first try out. But i still walk around with this strange golden glow feeling in my belly. Like i have a secret. Or something really exciting is going on. I’m doing something useful.
Also, the whole science-fabulous aspect of it is exciting. the mixing of vials and liquids and powders. the injections, the seeing results with the dildocam.

I have some things on hold. Like my nervousness.. ambivalence i still may have that swims under the much stronger desire for a baby. The inevitable figuring out what kind of parents we want to be. what kind of household we want to have. I know some of my own daydreams of parenting are at odds with how i’ve lived my life so far, which i find interesting. (i won’t go into depth now.. but things like technology, food, hobbies, being industrious, etc)

I’m definitely nervous about when it DOES work. The guilt i will feel if I’m ever hating pregnancy, or having a hard time with what is definitely a hard time in the first year. Any time i think “this is too hard, why did i do this” .. i wonder if I will beat myself up extra because we will have paid so much and put in so much time to make this happen. I wonder if I will have a hard time allowing me to feel what i feel. Allowing myself to feel what I feel is usually not a problem I have… but I think i might this time.

I read motherrising’s IVF story of her son Satchel, and how she wrote on her belly “Welcome Home” on the day they transferred her fertilized embryo back .. and I found myself wanting to steal that idea. Because something about her sweet belief seemed inspirational.

I joke about child labor farms, but I want to go into this process with as much belief as possible. Which is interesting in a girl who has lots of faith but no religion.. and is an avowed atheist. my faith is not in god or a higher power, it’s in my friends. nature. something underneath.

I had a doctor’s appt this morning. These monitoring appts sure are putting a crimp in my style.. getting up before dark and having to find my way to the city at ungodly hours. and it’s raining! i smell like wet dog.
I’ve been on stims (injections to stimulate my ovaries) for 5 days now and last night I finally was starting to feel slightly swollen and sore in my pelvic area. I also had to pee every 15 minutes after I went to bed. luckily that only lasted an hour(ish).
This morning was an appointment with the dildocam, and it looks like 15 follicles are happily growing away in there.
15 babies!! i’m going to start my very own child labor farm. righteous.

so not all 15 may mature to the point that we’d be able to retrieve eggs, but so far they’re looking great. exciting news.

My friends Mani and Andrew are building a big fancy boat and there are some parts that andrew has a hard time getting to while building. what he needs are 15 little nimble fingered helpers.

ok, ha ha. anyway, 15 follies! grow grow, little lovelies.