Salt and Pickles

Ok, after all my lining worry.. it turned out ok. It’s a nice fluffy 10. I had been worried that my 3 hour baths & swimming at the gym might have not allowed the patches to do their work, but I guess it was fine. With each new worry that falls away, another one appears though.

Now i worry and hope that the embryos thaw correctly (and the first two would be great, so we have still 4 left after)

Then, of course, the coup de grace of worries: Will they stick?

Do you remember the Scholastic Book Club? I loved that thing. I loved the bookstore more, of course. But when I was truly into the book club, I lived in a town that was devoid of a bookstore. (horrors. no bagels either). So I’d spend a whole weekend with the catalog, reading descriptions and figuring out what i wanted. I was usually allowed to get around 10 books.
I’d make my order, and then I’d wait.. and wait… and wait.. but the day those books came was so good. like the best birthday good. christmas morning good. new pads of paper and fresh sharpened pencils good. i have a really good secret good.
Well now I’m waiting for the Kindle I just ordered today. And the anticipation is feeling very Scholastic Book Club.
I was going to wait to buy , but when I told hans i needed to go to the bookstore again because I’d already finished the 1200 pages worth of books I had bought on sunday, he said “we need to get you that Kindle and not a moment too soon” (because they tend to be a little less, at least, than teh actual books. and many are only $3.99 or $4.99. yay)

of course I could go to more used bookstores, but… i’m not always that patient.

besides. gadget lust!

two days til ultrasound. I’m antsy and worried that my lining won’t be up to snuff. please, uterus. have a nice fluffy bloodiness. thanks.

I’ve been cooking every night this week, and then packing my leftovers into my Mr. Bento. I feel very healthy and productive. go me. Go Mr. Bento. tonight we had fusilli with garlicky sausages & wilted greens (chard).. from Alice Waters’ latest cookbook. very yum and simple.

I realize, looking over this journal.. or just listening to my own dialogue. It hasn’t occurred to me that I wont’ have a baby at the end of this. I mean, sure it’s come into my brain as a possibility but it’s not something i believe. I believe we will have a baby at the end of this.

I don’t know if this will make it all the more heartbreaking if we don’t .

We have discussed what we’d do if there were no baby at the end. I think we’ve decided not to adopt. Another long wait full of hope just sounds like more than we could take.

We decided I’d still quit my job.. take some time off, and find a new path. And we’d try to travel once or twice a year. Hans originally suggested that we take a big chunk that maybe would have been a college fund and travel for a year or so, but when i looked skeptical and mentioned how much he loved his job. well..that was amended. (Although I’m guessing he could take a few months off as sabbatical) So.. travel a few times a year, more skiing.. None of these would truly make up for not having a kid, but it would make our lives full. I would also work on creating things. Jewelry, take sewing classes, maybe glass blowing/bead making classes.

but again, the not adopting isn’t in stone. If IVF doesn’t work out, we may be right at the beginning and planning from scratch. I don’t know.

Speaking of IVF. dude. I’ve got two estrogen patches on my belly … and in two days, i’ll have 4. Having this much estrogen roiling around in my body is making me a sourpuss. I’m groucherrific and when Hans touches me or hangs out near me in a way I don’t like, i seriously throw a toddler-like tantrum.

today is acupuncture. or as i like to call it - my weekly nap. I usually take a long time to fall asleep if i’m taking a daytime nap, but in acupuncture I’m asleep within 5 minutes. It’s awesome.

Today on BART there was a woman sitting in seats diagonally across from me. She was wearing a beautifully tailored suit, a red and yellow scarf fashionably tossed around her neck, gold glinting glasses and sparkling jewelry. She was quite lovely and polished. She was working on some spreadsheets, bent over with concentration. I tend to people watch a lot on trains. I forget that people can see me watching them. very solipsistic of me. anyway.. as i was watching her, i noticed that her jaw was working overtime. She was chewing and chewing and chewing at a piece of gum. It made my jaws watch just to watch her.

I hate gum. It is ugly. it makes people look stupid .. their jaw working up and down over and over and over.
ugh. i hate gum. i hate the sound of the chewing. I hate the look of the chewing. hate. This is something I should probably deal with, since most kids like bubble gum. (maybe i can avoid their ever even finding out about the existence of gum?)

People who wait until a train comes and then just go straight to the door, completely ignoring the fact that there was a queue.

on a larger scale, I’ve realized my mother raised me into a conflicted snob. My mom was a luddite my entire years growing up. She spent her time thusly: teaching english, hiking/backpacking/rock climbing/running, cooking very wholesome from-scratch meals, gardening, reading literature (never bubblegum books for her), sewing me handmade stuffed animals and occasionally clothes, keeping a very clean house, taking me to ballet/puppet shows/festivals/etc, taking baths, always waking up early, living life fully.

We had one small black & white tv that I was allowed to watch a few hours a week on. They watched MASH and that was about it. As i grew older I was allowed a little more TV but not much. I bought my first computer in 1994 when I was 24.

So, this is the issue now. I find that I have a negative view of any time suck/passing that is not industrious/productive/creative/active or literary. My husband loves video games, and I (underneath somewhere) struggle with this sometimes because I see it as a negative time suck. (I don’t struggle with them because of loss of time with him. He’s very good at spending time with me and balancing all that … although we’ll fall into habits where we will spend less time together due to our interests, but if i ask.. he’s right there). I curl my lip. I inwardly scoff. This is bad enough. snobby and snotty.

But I also look down on myself. I read a lot of literature, ,but I also like trashier books (hell, sometimes i even like a good bodice ripper). We haven’t watched TV in a few years, but I want it back and when we have it I know i’ll watch it. I take lots of baths. I surf the internet A LOT. I avoid being creative, and I only cook a few times a week. I spend much of my outside-of-work (and probably inside-of-work) time doing very superficial time sucks. Things that are easy and occupy my attention so that I don’t have to do anything.
The thing is, I know inside that this is ok, but at the same time i don’t FEEL that it is ok. To be a successful worthy human, I seem to feel that people need to be like my mother. This seems to be a deeply ingrained belief. DEEPLY. i can never convince myself fully that it’s wrong. I’m not sure how to deal with that, when I like the internet. I like watching 7 seasons of Buffy in 2 months. I like drinking red wine, singing karaoke with friends, and reading a trashy book.

I do know that If i get old and what i look back on in my life is a lot of tv watching, internet surfing and bath taking.. I will be sad. So, on some level I’m right. I need to make sure that I’m creating a life that I’m proud of. But at the same time, it’s not bad that my husband likes to exert his energy and creativity in video games. and this is something I’m going to have to approach with myself when we have kids. Kids like to do fun simple things like play video games or watch the occasional tv show.

but as is obvious by many of the links on my blogroll, I also want to be the sort of mama who has that simple industrious waldorfy lifestyle for her kids.

and i want to stop being such a snob about the things people do (including me) to fill their time.
My mother now, i realize.. is addicted to being busy. She runs every day, she does lesson plans all night, she never (or rarely) takes a few hours for herself to just fill her time with lazy time. with mindless fun. She’s not actually the bastion of health that I have revered her to be.

ah. it all comes back to that thing they call ‘balance’. the biggest struggle of my life.

Nothing IVF related in this entry because: blah blah blah waiting waiting. two estrogen patches instead of one, but still. blah blah.

Last night in bed, Hans and I came up with my new title for when I quit working and stay at home. I will be one of the following: DOE (Domestic Operations Engineer), CDO (Chief of Domestic Operations), DOM (Domestic Operations Manager) , DDO (Director of Domestic Operations). which one do you think has the most pizazz?

I have other plans for that time besides, you know.. domestic operatioins. (like potentially being a Doula and starting a very small event planning biz for those looking for a non-cookie cutter event.) but I think I’ll feel less resentful if i have a fancy title, when the crappy stuff comes up. I wonder when I get to hire my first employee?

I was once the consumate daughter of an English teacher. I knew how to write. I could write an essay, I could spell, and i had great grammar. Then I discovered the internet and the ease of typing fast. Now, it’s too much trouble to even capitalize most of the time.. much less pay attention to grammar. the ellipse has become my lazy answer to everything.

Buyers Remorse
Since we bought the loft, I haven’t experienced a bit of buyers remorse. In fact? if anything, I have tried to think of ways we can keep the loft . Even when we no longer fit into it or it just makes no sense. Maybe we rent it out and then kick people out for holidays so we can visit? Maybe we rent it out and move back in when our knees are so old and knobbley and wobbley that we can’t walk up the lofty stairs. Who knows. I just love it .

our loft. up stairs.

but, last night i experienced buyer’s remorse. We went to dinner at a friend’s house. The baby was asleep upstairs in one of the 3 bedrooms. We ate in a nook downstairs. There was an office. a double parlor. it was very edwardian. And the back yard was huge. they spent a little bit less than we did, but got a lot more for the buck. Yet.. our place is beyond beautifully unique. My buyer’s remose will fade. Til we have a kid (or two) and suddenly I’m aware again of how perfect this place is for TWO PEOPLE.

downstairs.

I really should take some photos that are current. mainly i just wanted to try out using the flickr blogging function.

tomorrow I up my estrogen patches from one to two. Now that my ultrasound is only a week away, i FINALLY feel like this boat is moving. I’ve been worried that swimming or bathing will affect my patches. but I can’t find anything online or in the packaging, so I’m going to take it on faith that i’m ok. I think I just wrote this entry for the purpose of feeling ‘up to date’. Feeling pretty blah, in truth.

I had been getting headaches and body aches all last week. I realized the reason was because my body felt that it needed to start forming itself to naturally fit the curve of my couch. Like memory foam. It found being upright uncomfortable and thus achey. This is a sign that I was spending too much time on my back with my feet over the arm rest, re-reading books I’ve read 3 times before and eating popcorn with too much butter. not good. not good at all.

So, this weekend we had friends over. We played games, drank drinks, laughed, peeked in on the hippie dance jam and were scared away, and went to bed late. It was great. I slept in late late and saturday was mosty a wash (we went to a birthday party but I didn’t know anybody and was .. well… bored. although the food was awesome: balogna & american cheese sammiches with the crusts cut off, hot dogs, bean dip, nachos with velveeta, a big popcorn machine, brownies. when I was a kid i wanted balogna on every birthday, because I was never allowed it at any other time).

Sunday, however, made up for it all. Miss Mani came over and picked me up and we went to La Note for brunch. I love that place. big bowls of cafe au lait (i gave up coffee nearly a year ago, but in a place like La Note.. you make an exception), fluffy slow cooked eggs, home made jam in their oatmeal raspberry pancakes. It’s french brunch perfection.

When we were done we went up into Tilden Park and walked around the lake. It’s an easy not-so-long walk, but we took some side trails and inhaled the fresh air, the smell of water, and were amazed by the 45,000 ducks (no really, i swear) that were swimming around making a quacky racket. also, it’s hard to be depressed when there are happy dogs frolicking in a lake.

I came home and cooked myself a steak and baked yam.. simultaneously broiling up hans a salmon filet & fingerling potatoes. (life became much easier when I realized we didn’t have to eat the same thing, as long as I chose something that took the same amount of time to cook. he doesn’t eat pig or cow.. except, you know.. when that magical bacon animal is to be found. somehow bacon is magic meat that must not come from any animal that’s on his no-no list). Wow that yam (and the steak too, really) was delicious. I’ve been using Alice Water’s Art of Simple Food for ideas this week.

Today i woke up super late (Hans had to work) again. Drank some Kefir.. stuffed down another yam that’d pre-cooked last night. (yum again) and headed over to a friend’s for a day of sewing. I consciously know that a combination of people and creativity (or outdoor activity) is the key to my mental health.. but I still fucking fight it. What is my deal, huh? I don’t know. I figure if I can answer that, a lot of people like me would like to hear about it. The sewing was great, even when i stumbled over it. The company was great too.

tonight was a dinner of egg fettucini with chicken/shiitake cream sauce and a side of green beans. again. yum. and easy.

Now I’m going to go read a sewing book in bed til it falls out of my fingers and I wake up with a book crease-mark in my forehead.

One other observation. I’ve noticed that as Hans gets older (granted, he’s still in his early 30’s, whereas I’m getting closer to 40) he just gets more handsome. He looks manly and handsome. Even with a gut (which is mostly gone, i’ve noticed) he looks good. Me? i look dumpy and my skin is really not cooperating with me at all. I will not age as nicely as him, but.. I blame him because he constantly shares his disgust with makeup, hair product and gives accolades to dumpy tshirts. So, I lounge around in yoga pants, a baggy tshirt and craptacular hair. I am blameless!

Good night. Haircut in imminent future.

wish list for today:
a new GOOD camera
a kindle
tons of new fabric
mad skillz

that’s what this FET cycle is. interminable! If i weren’t an injection pumpkin.. having to be home by 10pm every night for lupron. I don’t think I’d even remember that I’m cycling again.

My acupuncturist gives me these powdered herbs that I mix in hot water, and why must they be so nasty? Perhaps so we feel more like we’re taking medicine, but really..it’s just a big mug of dirt water. hot dirt water.

I feel better than I did a few days ago. I still hate the waiting, but I’m not so depressed. I went to bed early a few nights (and last night I slept extremely hard. Usually movement or sounds wake me if even for a second, but last night I wasn’t even aware of Hans coming to bed after me. I was out cold)… my period started, and I have plans to do things this weekend.

My best friend since childhood is moving to california. She’s lived in Vermont most of our lives, although she went to UCSC for a few years and also lived in Hawaii for about 2 years. I’ve always envied her idyllic vermont lifestyle (she had an organic farm on her land, two beautiful kids, lots of creative outlets) but now she’s moving to LA. The anti-vermont! It will be great to have her here on my coast though.

Hans and I often daydream of a future rural life. I hope this wont’ be just a daydream, but it’s hard to know. We have it good here. We have a gorgeous loft (although i’d guess we’d have to leave it by the time our kid is 4. It’s wonderful but not great for a child once they’re reached running-around age), his mom is 15 minutes away.. mine is 2 hours away. and we have a hugesupport system right here in the bay area. but i daydream of goats, a horse, fresh eggs from our own chickens.. and space to explore/garden/hike/etc.

I’m having major gadget lust for the kindle. I’d never fully give up on paper books, but this would be super handy for me. I spend most of my money on food & books. Digital food will never do me much good, but having 200 books in a slender little 10.3 ounce package would be awesome.

I had the kind of weekend where I was beating myself up a bit. I slept too much, I wasn’t productive.
I want to be somebody who uses all the many things i’ve collected for crafting.. and actually CREATE things. But I run into so many walls and I’m not even sure how to describe them. I guess I become overwhelmed by possibilities and so i just get paralyzed. craft-paralysis.
When there is some goal (like christmas is in two days), i am able to crank things out for an evening. I love the feeling, but it’s the impending doom “this has to get done now or i have no presents for anyone!” that makes me finally get off my ass and do something.
I have LOTS of blogs that I read (mostly crafty mama blogs) because I aspire to be like them in some way. I read them with this faint jealousy sneaking through my stomach. I wonder how they go from vague ideas to actual ideas.. if they just collect supplies all the time for eventual projects or if they have to go buy new stuff everytime a new idea comes up.
Maybe if/when I’m at home and have a lot more time on my hands.. this will force my hand. I’m afraid it won’t though. That that’s just a pipe dream.

I also have thought about blogging but , for the first time (I used to have another blog elsewhere)… I find myself paralyzed in the face of writing too. There’s a lot of shrugging and then reading of the internets going on in my house.

Maybe I should make a resolution, but i’ve never been good at resolutions.

We’re in our second IVF cycle. This time a frozen cycle. I’m back to nightly injections.. and adding an estrogen patch starting on friday. Sometime in the first week of february, two embryos from our last cycle will be transferred and we’ll see what happens.

I’m much less emotionally involved this time, and maybe that’s a good thing. I’m reading the craftymama blogs again, I’m daydreaming a bit and hoping a bit again.. but I’m also just not as obsessed as I was last time.
I took 2 months off (thus the no entries in this blog) from baby thinking. I drank what I wanted, I ate what I wanted, I didn’t go to acupuncture. I just took 2 months off for the first time in 19 months. It was the best feeling in the world. I’d told myself before that I’d relax and not think about it for a month or two, but I was never actually capable of doing so.

I’m trying to re-invest. I’m getting there.

I’m a little depressed lately, but it has a lot less to do with making babies and a lot more to do with feeling like I’m not being who I want to be and not doing what I want to do.

Luckily