Salt and Pickles

Now that the morning sickness has passed, I find pregnancy relatively uneventful. Occasionally there are twinges or even small sharp pains in my abdomen, that scare me.. but they pass quickly so i dont’ worry. But at all moments of every day, I am whispering inside my head “I am pregnant”.
Infertility lingers with us. For me I’ve found myself avoiding infertility threads on my message board because it’s still too near and dear to me, and I guess I don’t like being reminded yet. I want to embrace this “I’m pregnant” voice.
this makes me feel guilty, as so many women were so very helpful to me during the cycle-after-cycle of confusion, hurt, what’s-wrong-with-me, how-do-i-get-control-of-this-situation emotions. I guess I just don’t feel helpful right now. I hope that that comes back.. the urge to share what I’ve been through or what I’ve learned.

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We went to Carmel to visit my mother for mother’s day. It was a lovely weekend. She’d already bought a good 4 or 5 outfits for the baby (in neutral creamish colors. hah. I’m pretty sure she believes it’s a boy though) and she told a cute story.
My mother is an english teacher at a local high school. She recently covered some short story in which the meaning of life was a topic (I’m sorry I don’t remember what they were reading) and her students were discussing the meaning of life. After a bit of discussion they turned to my mom and said “Mrs. J, do you know what the meaning of life is?”
my mother pulled out her purse and started rummaging through it. She pulled out her wallet and opened it. Inside was only one dollar “well”, She said “I guess it’s not money!”
Then she jangled her car keys. she drives a toyota “I guess it’s not material posessions!”
She pulled out a tube of lipstick and the kids all squawked “we’ve never even seen you WEAR makeup!!”
“Ok, I guess it’s not beauty then”
Then she reached in and (this was unplanned and purely an accident) she pulled out a Onesie she’d bought for the baby
She held it up and said “This.”
“This is the meaning of life”
One of her students raised her hands and said “Mrs. J, do you happen to have a daughter?” “why yes, I do” “She wouldn’t happen to be pregnant would she?”

It was all very cute and sweet in the telling. She bought me earrings and I felt guilty for the cookbooks I’d bought her. (for mother’s day)

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I walk around saying “I’m pregnant” inside my heart of hearts, and feeling like I want to hug those words tight.

and I also often walk around feeling like I’ve become an insensitive fertile and forgot what it’s like to be infertile, even though I definitely haven’t. I feel like unless I know how to address the change just right.. to being pregnant after cycle after cycle of negatives, that I’m letting infertiles down. even though I know that when I was cycling, every story I read of an infertile becoming pregnant was a piece of hope to hold on to.
but i’m afraid that a story like my mother’s above is something I shouldn’t share for fear of causing that pang that I know it can..

Now, all this said… I also want to say that as hard as I did find infertility to be, at the same time I didn’t feel that in the same ways as some others have. I only had slight twinges of envy when friends got pregnant, I never ever minded being around babies or pregnant women. Strange ladies with beautiful bumps would get a wistful smile and a sigh of sadness, but I didn’t linger over it. Maybe some of the weird guilt I feel now comes a little from that. .. I don’t know. I’m not expressing myself very well.

other topics:
I have 2.5 weeks left at work and then I get to relax and nest and travel and prepare and read until the baby is due in late October. (i still feel the need to add caveats.. if all goes well, etc etc) We’re going to Puerto Vallarta two days after my last day, I’m going to my friends family’s lake house in Minnesota in july, my mom is going to rent a house on the river at some point and we’ll swim and bbq..
I’m very much looking forward to this summer.

the hippies are drumming in the space behind us. over the weekend they were dancing and moaning and sometimes sounding like wolves. or alternately sounding like fire engines. It’s awesome and hilarious on a sunny sunday afternoon.

I haven’t thrown up in 5 whole days!! without Zofran! this is very exciting.

Also, I’ve felt like cooking lately. I’ve cooked at least 4 times in the past few weeks and that’s a huge improvement over the first 3 months of pregnancy. Not only have I cooked, but I’ve wanted to eat the outcome. 

Tonight I made a savory tart with grapes on it from The Splendid Table How To Eat Supper. It was on puff pastry (i got the good stuff, made with butter) with greens, onions, mushrooms (my own addition), grapes, asiago w/ cream, and chives. delicious. We ate all of it and most of that ended up in Hans’ belly, so he’s feeling a tad bit illin’. 

I’ve been reading up a storm on my kindle.. and researching cloth diapers because we’ve decided to go that road.

I gave notice at work a few weeks ago and I’m DAMN excited to be having approx 4 months off before the baby comes. OMG, i can’t wait. 

This weekend we’re headed to Carmel to spend mom’s day with my mom. and then we’ll come back for dinner for mom’s day with H’s mom. busy busy. 

Now that the vomityness is gone, the doppler is the only proof I have i’m pregnant. I haven’t gained any weight (and in fact lost some at first) due to said vomityness.   

I am totally going to go read now. I’m a fireball of exciting times!