Salt and Pickles

Hi there. I’m a bad bad blogger. 

The baby is still growing and kicking away in my belly. I had one day where I was positive she was moving more sluggishly than normal and didn’t sleep much that night. But the next day she was back to moving like the jackrabbit she usually is

apparently my grandmother is convinced I’m having a boy, still. I have an ultrasound on wednesday… so we’ll see if ’she’ is still a girl! (i find myself hoping so, only because of the 3 or 4 little dresses I couldn’t stop myself from buying. i have control issues. or rather.. lack of control issues)

I’ve gone to minnesota and swum in a lake, I’ve shopped at the farmers market a lot, i’ve cooked a lot of healthy yummy meals, I’ve done far less to the loft than I’d hoped to by now.

right now we have a friend visiting.. potentially for awhile, although I got her a few house sitting gigs over the next few weeks. Will be nice to have some help with the physical labor part of getting the house in order. We’ve known each other since 1977.. so she is family. Going through a rough patch and hopefully we can help her get through it and established here in the bay area

I should really get out of my pajamas and into real clothes, as noon creeps up on me!

Today we let our pugnacious little godzilla go.

He had been deteriorating for weeks…and in a much more profound way for the past few days.  We’re going to miss him oh so very much. The house will feel empty. 

Godzilla was a pugnacious, goofy, dominating, crazy animal. he ripped the throats out of stuffed animals, he growled when people rang the doorbell, he never took no for an answer if he wanted on your lap, he liked to sniff your ear, he was so clumsy that a baby gate would actually keep him out of parts of the house we didn’t want him.. he had no idea that other cats could actually jump something like that, he had short stubby legs and a round body and pugnacious little face, he liked to walk around the tub while i took a bath.. batting at my toes under the water, back when he was an outdoor cat.. he’d chase cats out of our yard into theirs.. and then right on out of their own yards too but he always came when he was called. and he drooled when he was being pet.. prolifically.

photos from when he was a baby: photos

and here is what i mean by pugnacious - he would crush your city with no thought:

So i don’t think i’ve mentioned here. I’ve been obsessed with watching online clips from 1986-1992 Days of Our lives. In particular the Steve(patch)/Kayla and Jack/Jennifer story lines.

when i say obsessed, i don’t mean mildly. 

in 1986 I was 16. I think the last time I watched a soap opera was around 1992. oh the power of nostalgia. 

I still can’t stop myself from going through piles of watermelon & nectarines every day. I just scarf it down. 

I had an appointment with my midwife this week (I hit 24 weeks yesterday) and I’ve lost another 3 lbs since my last appointment. I find this funny, because I can feel the solid dense weight that is growing in my belly. The rest of me, however, seems to be carving itself away. I think it’s because I don’t snack. I don’t want butter (my biggest weakness). I barely crave animal protein. I mostly subsist on pre-natals, stone fruit, smoothies, salads and fish.  

This morning I made  scrambled eggs with basil & parmesan. I ate two bites and then gobbled my way through the bowl of sliced fruit. I did have one slice of freshly baked bread with cherry/apricot jam on it. Delicious. 

I’m trying to keep to my chores and lists, but it’s easy to suddenly find that I’m depressed and grouchy because I fell off the wagon and haven’t really done anything but sit on my butt for two days. Being a stay at home person is , in some ways, harder than I expected. Mainly because I have to police myself, i guess.

;The squiggle is wiggling and kicking with great constancy. Hans has only managed to feel her a few times, though. I adore the feeling of laying on my side in bed and feeling her kick at the bed. (we know our next ultrasound could change the pronoun… but for now it’s just easier to say ‘her’ based on the anatomy scan)

It’s almost my boy’s birthday. I got him lots of little goodies and we’re having a bonfire party. I’m thinking about trying to make grilled pizzas with from-scratch dough. We’ll see how gung ho i stay on the idea as the week goes on.

one nice thing about the constant (3x a week!) farmers markets has been that I’ve cooked most nights. sometimes just a glorious salad, sometimes fresh local caught fish with another glorious salad. I love farmers markets and I love summer. I’m realizing now that I’m eating this good, I’m going to be very very sad when the summer fruits and veggies are gone. 

our kitty is pretty sick. He has chronic diarrhea and it’s not cure-able, just treatable. only problem is, none of the treatments have worked yet. Basically we are giving it a last go.. and in 2 weeks if treatments still aren’t working, we may have to let him go. We’re very sad yet in mild denial. He’s only 4 and we’re very much hoping his body gets into the groove of things from his diet and medicines and he starts gaining weight again and pooping solid. The poor lethargic puppy (he’s always acted more like a dog than a cat) 

It’s hot as though it’s another part of the country out there. Muggy, overcast and sweaty.

I slept til 10:30 (the norm lately) and had my au lait out of a bowl on a sidewalk in the sun.
I did some chores (i’m having to make lists every day so that i feel even mildly productive as i cross things off)
I went to the farmers market and bought as much stone fruit as i could (pluots, apricots, nectarines and peaches. oh and cherries. oh yum, is all i can say). some fresh fish. some veggies.
I got more sun in my hair and on my skin. I think my natural blonde will be more apparent by the end of this summer. I’d dyed it red for years and when I let it go natural again it was this dishwater dirty light brown. . not really blonde at all anymore. I am seeing streaks already after only 2 weeks with more sun on my noggin.

I’m totally going to go make a smoothie now.

So, I’m (as mentioned before) no longer employed.

I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. I’ve had a lot of grandiose plans.. from hanging out with friends who are also at home, to organizing and cleaning the house (lots of declutter) in preparation for the baby, crafting, cooking healthy meals and maybe even packing hans some yummy lunches in our Mr. Bento.

But now that I”m at home, I’m finding myself online a lot. I look around our truly messy and cluttery (which i kept putting off because.. hey, i’d be home soon and be able to have true time to devote to tackling it) house. It’s really cluttery and really messy and has piles here and there and everywhere. and it’s actually just pissing me off and overwhelming me so i don’t get much of anything done at all. and then i’m in a bad mood.
and i’m not doing any crafting or cooking because I want the house in a reasonable state first.

argh. I wish i just knew how to get started. (i know the answer is “just start”)

So we have 80% odds of a girl, so of course that means that I’ve already bought one dress and a few girly onesies. Also, as i build my cloth diaper stash.. a few of those diapers sure are flowery. Thankfully, I have no issues with being gender-confusing and dressing my son (if those 20% odds win out) in flowery onesies or pink cherry blossom diapers. 

I love Christensen Creations Diapers and can’t stop myself from buying them. I think I have 5 now and another 10 on the way. Luckily they have good resale value!

We spent Fathers Day in a sunny kiddy park with other parents-to-be and already-parents. It was nice.. a potluck with socializing and hanging out with little ones and realizing that it’s possible.  I feel a little sunsoaked and sleepy now though.

Yesterday was also spent with new parents (5 week old) and that reminded me that tiny babies are wonderful and also a little boring. sleep, cry, sleep, cry, eat .. ok eat some more. more boob! ok cry a little. rock back and forth in swing, wiggle arms around, be bounced in arms ..It’s not bad boring. Just reminded me that being a stay at home mom is going to have a lot of … long moments. Aside from cuddling the newborn, there was also bbq and some geekery. because the geeky nerdy boys that we love so are going to play D&D. That’s right. .. many-sided dice, bugbear beasts, hob goblins and other outright nerdtopia. in their 30’s and reliving the glory.

If i weren’t going out to dinner with family I would so be asleep right now. also, now that i’m no longer getting sick… I really love being pregnant. Every time that little squiggle kicks and bounces around, I am blissed. I imagine as i get bigger it will be less blissful, but right now every movement just is glee.

Do you think they’ll let me do a shot of tequila in the hospital once the baby is out? I joke. i swear.  

I no longer have a job. today was my last day, and it feels really really strange! 

I’ve known for a few years now that as soon as i was 6 months pregnant (ok, we jumped the gun by a month) I’d quit my job and take some time to myself.. and then when the baby came I’d stay home a few years and then figure out a whole new career because web development has turned out to just not be my thing.

but it still feels weird. I’d been at that job for 8 years, and I have a feeling that I’ll have a few days where I get up automatically and head to work only to wonder who the stranger is sitting at my desk. Or i’ll feel the urge to, at least. I really liked the people, the culture, the boss, the place. I’ll miss it.

but all that aside? WOO HOO. i’m going to mexico on Friday and when I get back I’ll be having lunch at Cafe Clem on sunny days, or reading books, or readying the house for baby, or learning to sew, or shopping at the farmers market & cooking great meals, or just sitting on my ass. hooray for ass-sitting. 

Yesterday was our anatomy scan. Things looked good with the baby & it’s measuring on target..  but my placenta was a bit low. Not ‘placenta previa’ necessarily,  but low enough that they’ll be monitoring it.

I really really hope it moves up.I would like a c-section to not be a foregone conclusion. We’ve already chosen our doula, damn it!  I’m fine with a C as a means to an end. but I’d like to feel like I still have a choice at this point. Even if at the end i have none.

oh and the two techs were 80% certain it is a girl.  

Now that the morning sickness has passed, I find pregnancy relatively uneventful. Occasionally there are twinges or even small sharp pains in my abdomen, that scare me.. but they pass quickly so i dont’ worry. But at all moments of every day, I am whispering inside my head “I am pregnant”.
Infertility lingers with us. For me I’ve found myself avoiding infertility threads on my message board because it’s still too near and dear to me, and I guess I don’t like being reminded yet. I want to embrace this “I’m pregnant” voice.
this makes me feel guilty, as so many women were so very helpful to me during the cycle-after-cycle of confusion, hurt, what’s-wrong-with-me, how-do-i-get-control-of-this-situation emotions. I guess I just don’t feel helpful right now. I hope that that comes back.. the urge to share what I’ve been through or what I’ve learned.

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We went to Carmel to visit my mother for mother’s day. It was a lovely weekend. She’d already bought a good 4 or 5 outfits for the baby (in neutral creamish colors. hah. I’m pretty sure she believes it’s a boy though) and she told a cute story.
My mother is an english teacher at a local high school. She recently covered some short story in which the meaning of life was a topic (I’m sorry I don’t remember what they were reading) and her students were discussing the meaning of life. After a bit of discussion they turned to my mom and said “Mrs. J, do you know what the meaning of life is?”
my mother pulled out her purse and started rummaging through it. She pulled out her wallet and opened it. Inside was only one dollar “well”, She said “I guess it’s not money!”
Then she jangled her car keys. she drives a toyota “I guess it’s not material posessions!”
She pulled out a tube of lipstick and the kids all squawked “we’ve never even seen you WEAR makeup!!”
“Ok, I guess it’s not beauty then”
Then she reached in and (this was unplanned and purely an accident) she pulled out a Onesie she’d bought for the baby
She held it up and said “This.”
“This is the meaning of life”
One of her students raised her hands and said “Mrs. J, do you happen to have a daughter?” “why yes, I do” “She wouldn’t happen to be pregnant would she?”

It was all very cute and sweet in the telling. She bought me earrings and I felt guilty for the cookbooks I’d bought her. (for mother’s day)

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I walk around saying “I’m pregnant” inside my heart of hearts, and feeling like I want to hug those words tight.

and I also often walk around feeling like I’ve become an insensitive fertile and forgot what it’s like to be infertile, even though I definitely haven’t. I feel like unless I know how to address the change just right.. to being pregnant after cycle after cycle of negatives, that I’m letting infertiles down. even though I know that when I was cycling, every story I read of an infertile becoming pregnant was a piece of hope to hold on to.
but i’m afraid that a story like my mother’s above is something I shouldn’t share for fear of causing that pang that I know it can..

Now, all this said… I also want to say that as hard as I did find infertility to be, at the same time I didn’t feel that in the same ways as some others have. I only had slight twinges of envy when friends got pregnant, I never ever minded being around babies or pregnant women. Strange ladies with beautiful bumps would get a wistful smile and a sigh of sadness, but I didn’t linger over it. Maybe some of the weird guilt I feel now comes a little from that. .. I don’t know. I’m not expressing myself very well.

other topics:
I have 2.5 weeks left at work and then I get to relax and nest and travel and prepare and read until the baby is due in late October. (i still feel the need to add caveats.. if all goes well, etc etc) We’re going to Puerto Vallarta two days after my last day, I’m going to my friends family’s lake house in Minnesota in july, my mom is going to rent a house on the river at some point and we’ll swim and bbq..
I’m very much looking forward to this summer.

the hippies are drumming in the space behind us. over the weekend they were dancing and moaning and sometimes sounding like wolves. or alternately sounding like fire engines. It’s awesome and hilarious on a sunny sunday afternoon.

I haven’t thrown up in 5 whole days!! without Zofran! this is very exciting.

Also, I’ve felt like cooking lately. I’ve cooked at least 4 times in the past few weeks and that’s a huge improvement over the first 3 months of pregnancy. Not only have I cooked, but I’ve wanted to eat the outcome. 

Tonight I made a savory tart with grapes on it from The Splendid Table How To Eat Supper. It was on puff pastry (i got the good stuff, made with butter) with greens, onions, mushrooms (my own addition), grapes, asiago w/ cream, and chives. delicious. We ate all of it and most of that ended up in Hans’ belly, so he’s feeling a tad bit illin’. 

I’ve been reading up a storm on my kindle.. and researching cloth diapers because we’ve decided to go that road.

I gave notice at work a few weeks ago and I’m DAMN excited to be having approx 4 months off before the baby comes. OMG, i can’t wait. 

This weekend we’re headed to Carmel to spend mom’s day with my mom. and then we’ll come back for dinner for mom’s day with H’s mom. busy busy. 

Now that the vomityness is gone, the doppler is the only proof I have i’m pregnant. I haven’t gained any weight (and in fact lost some at first) due to said vomityness.   

I am totally going to go read now. I’m a fireball of exciting times!